| ....why don't you bother me like you used to?.... |
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| 02:32pm 27/10/2004 |
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mood:  pink crap flying out my head
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My thoughts at the moment:
"......."
Yes, my mind is beautifully blank. I've been trying since this morning to stimulate it by mucking around with Photoshop, but alas to no avail. Since my spatial and creative (I use the term quite loosely) senses are failing me at the moment, it'd probably do me good to try to fire some electricity through the other side of my brain.
I had my eyes checked yesterday, seeking a second opinion since the first optolmologist effectually said "You'll be blind for the rest of your life and die in a gutter crawling with maggots." My grade has gotten worse, no surprise. It's something like 200 for my left eye and ten billion for my right. Wonderful news however! I might be able to have an operation that will remove the grade that doesn't involve cold metal objects being shoved into my sockets. It's really an answered prayer, I felt an infinite amount of relief and shed a few tears. A bit dramatic maybe, but how would you feel if you thought a body part would just shrivel up and perish one day and there was nothing you could do about it? I'll be going to the other clinic tomorrow. I'm looking forward to not having to squint and look all Chinese/Japanese/Korean/sleepy anymore. Yeah.
Nina will be coming over this Saturday. We'll hit up the night market and totally liquidate our paychecks on DVDs. My whole family really likes her. They might just be giddy because my sister's getting married this January, but I'll be the first one to admit that she is an awesome chica.
I want to do something utterly ridiculous and out of character this Halloween, but have no idea what can be done.
Try smiling |
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| Triumvirate: Tragedy in Threes |
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| 12:04am 18/10/2004 |
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mood:  bored
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Three bands I want you to listen to:
1) Dredg. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, this band is the type of group that accumulates a cult following but never quite enjoys mainstream success. Their second album El Cielo is a masterpiece of modern rock, painting beautiful brooding soundscapes beneath the sober and morose vocals. They're prog without the wankery, rock without the juvenile insight. Pretentious, maybe, but highly enjoyable nonetheless.
2) Porcupine Tree. They are what Radiohead and Pink Floyd would have been if they weren't so busy sonically wandering off into sunny fields, dark valleys or rolling hills (not that that's a bad thing, it just gets tiresome after a while). It's midly surprising that their more or less acoustic-guitar heavy sound can pretty much rock hard enough to make me want to punch someone in the face. Their album In Absentia is being sold locally.
3) Zero 7. It's nice to see them gaining popularity, partially thanks to their contribution to the soundtrack of the movie Garden State. They are especially refreshing for me, after bombarding myself with the dissonant brilliance of Portishead. A few songs into When It Falls and I'm the consistency of putty, with energy roughly equal to that of a tranquilized sheep. Sheep are adorable.
Three people I badly need to talk to:
1) Em. Because he borrowed my stuff and hasn't returned it yet. Don't you just hate people like that? It makes me want to send him a box of irate scorpions for Christmas.
2) Nina. Because I don't want to give my sister a *insert generic kitchen appliance here* for a wedding gift. Plus, I want to.
3) Deni. Because she owes me dinner.
Last three movies I watched:
1) Code 46. This is the first time I've ever seen a movie where the atmosphere of the film overpowered its plot. The actors were great, but I didn't care about their characters. The subtle points brought up by the near-future world were way more interesting than the blandly superficial love story. Grade: C+
2) Super-size Me. A guy eats 3 square meals of McDonalds food every day for thirty days and his physical and mental health suffer. Not an earth-shattering relevation of any sorts. Fast food is bad for you, period. The facts presented by the movie were very eye-opening however. Depression and mental illness definitely have a link to a bad diet. Grade: B
3) Shark Tale. It was like I was on an acid trip where everything was so colorful and not funny. The best part of the movie was at the ticket booth and my friend said that I didn't have to pay. Grade: F+
Three things I need:
1) A PowerMac G5
2) Nikon D70....really, any dSLR will do.
3) Sony HDR-FX1
SOMEONE HELP ME ROB A BANK.
Three people:
1) Sam
2) Gretch
3) Nina
Three movies I HAVE to watch:
1) Casshern. I pimped the trailer a couple months ago, but it needs to be done again. Don't ask me what the hell is going on, because I don't know either. All I know is that it's basically about a humans vs. mutants thing and a guy who kicks the shit out of robots. It's based on an old anime. www.casshern.com
2) After Life (Wandafuru Raifu). My friend told me about this movie over a year ago and I've been looking for a copy ever since. It's done documentary style about an afterlife (meh) wherein souls are allowed to take only one memory of their life on earth into the next world. Another haunting concept care of them loverly Japanese. Sugoi. ^_^;
3) Love Actually. It has Keira Knightley in it. Keira makes my heart melt. |
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| ....just a train of thought.... |
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| 08:30am 14/10/2004 |
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mood:  peaceful
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I'm getting quite sick of periodically feeling like an insect that lives in the little sprouts that grow in elephant crap. I feel like a big phony, always trying to live up to the expectations of people. It turns my talents to burdens, instead of them being blessings. I know that setting your sights way up high makes you hit higher, but I'm getting sick of missing the mark all the time. Aiming low doesn't help either; I end up fussing over what a half-assed effort I gave or shoot myself in the foot. Me being me, the obvious solution that comes to mind is not aiming at all, which goes over fine for a few moments until I realize (and rightly so) how useless I am. A person with no purpose is expendable, and no one weeps his demise.
I had to ask myself: who exactly am I trying to please? My family supports me, and my friends think rather well of me. There's no need for proof, because I already am.
So the right answer has to be: me. For reasons I cannot divine, I seem unable to please myself. This sort of perfectionism is debilitating- I do something, anything at all, work at it for a bit, deem my work as the rough equivalent of a corkplug for an asshat, quit, and then get assailed by a staggering amount of lethargy. I become furious at myself, let fly a few colorful words, and then distract myself with really unproductive things like watch paint dry or hang out with equally lazy people.
Now that I'm observing myself with more sober and rational eyes, I can see one fault that really, truly lies with me...I don't try hard enough. At the slightest sign of resistance, I give up. It's also true with my relationships with people. The slightest bump on the road irritates me to the point of frustration. Eventually, I go ballistic and alienate dear friends (Sad. I've done it so often you'd think that I'd have learned something by now, but I'm quite steadfast in my moronic ways. Much rather like a cretin running repeatedly into a brick wall.) My art goes rather in the same way, I get livid with rage, then abandon whatever I was working on. Afterwards, I can always pick up my guitar, my pen, my mouse and keyboard and hardly feel pains for it. People, however, are lost forever. They may come around again, but things are never the same.
I can always ra-ra myself with a try and try until you die! mantra, and that may set fire to my ass to get me moving a couple of meters, but it's just a temporary fix. So again I question myself, "Why can't I commit to anything?" I have an answer, so unbelievable simple that I am tempted to trash it and look for a more sophisticated, analytical piece of psychobabble that'll make me look like Genius in the flesh. I accept it however; it's follows a sensible pattern. Human shortcomings are always rooted in pride, fear, or ignorance, which breeds fear. My problem is rooted in fear. I'm afraid of rejection. I always hold back so that I'll have an excuse if I get burned. If I shut up no one will hate me. If I just get by, no one will notice me. I won't be praised, but I won't be criticized.
Fear is hardly rational, but it is self-actualizing. Ever notice that when you believe in something strongly enough, it actually happens? Like, if I keep telling myself that I'm a loser, guess what, I become one. Anyway, now I know my problem, I can look for a solution.
At this point, God enters the picture.
I don't know what people usually conceptualize when they think about God. Some would see him as distant, others as cruel, and still others would say God is indifferent to humans. I used to subscribe to the "indifferent" school of thought, the agnostic's weapon of choice. I couldn't have been more wrong however, as my experiences have shown God to be the most selfless being in the universe. I can't count the number of times I've spit in his eye, kicked him in the shins and pissed in his yard. Just once would have been enough to sentence me to eternal damnation, but no thunderbolts have been hurled at me yet. Instead I always, always find an open hand reaching out for me. It's overwhelming to the point of tears, to know there is someone who will love and accept me regardless of what I've done or what I will do. It could be the reason we exist in the first place- to know how painfully beautiful it feels to be loved like that.
So there's no reason I should be afraid of being rejected. End of problem. |
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| P-shop stuff |
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| 06:35pm 13/10/2004 |
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mood:  cranky
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My first hand-drawn piece of Photoshop art. I know it's overly done, and reeks of amateur-who-wants-to-jam-everything-he's-learned-into-a-single-canvas but it was still a labor of love.
( EDIT: Another one, also hand drawn. )
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| ....hooray for film school chicks <3.... |
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| 12:21am 03/10/2004 |
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mood:  enthralled
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Heyyy learn something new everyday...apparently my sister is only the 96th summa cum laude UP has graduated in its entire history of educating young deviants. Oh, and she was one of the Ten Outstanding students of the Philippines (TOSP) for 2001.
...and yeah so here I am, my wits dulling and my senses failing, my brain turning into oatmeal inside my skull. I was actually threatened to be sent off to *horrified face* LAW or MED SCHOOL since I'm the most intelligent halfwit alive. Thank you parents. Without you, I would never have realized how smelly a piece of crap I am. |
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| ....kicks right in the face.... |
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| 09:11pm 25/09/2004 |
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Urbandub.
Kaka, dismayed at the fact that we would not be seeing Orange and Lemons.
Huzzah. Urbandub. Thanks to the lovely Metro Manila traffic, Kaka, Les and I weren't able to see Oranges and Lemons (not my loss...poor Kokak seemed so shaken up about it though. Hehe. Labshoo. Nga pala gift mo nakalimutan kong dalhin ulit. Tsk.) and Mika and Vicky completely missed Urbandub. We all went up north to Freedom Bar, where Carlo followed, and hilarity ensued. It was great seeing all of them, and we'll have to do it again sometime soon because they all owe me money. Haha, I kid.
I spent P 536.50 on commuting alone yesterday. WTFBALLS.
( A couple more pictures ) |
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| I love BR |
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| 11:11pm 20/09/2004 |
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Those are the sweetest last words ever. |
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| ....a small tribute.... |
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| 10:20pm 11/09/2004 |
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mood:  just about ready to drop
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To ZOE, no one can yet ride my train of randomness like you. If it weren't for people like you in my life, I'd be a whole lot more normal...who'd want that right?
catharicschism: i have a crush.
zeehumanmagicmarker: sino?
catharicschism: myself ♥♥
zeehumanmagicmarker: hahahaha
zeehumanmagicmarker: how convenient.
catharicschism: no one understands me like me.
zeehumanmagicmarker: do you make yourself all kilig and stuff? do you text yourself sweet nothings?
zeehumanmagicmarker: maybe i should have a crush on me too.
zeehumanmagicmarker: hmm.
catharicschism: i look in the mirror and giggle uncontrollably
catharicschism: so uncontrollable in fact, that i hyperventilate, pass out and wake up hours later.
zeehumanmagicmarker: HAHAHA
zeehumanmagicmarker: can you take a video of that?
zeehumanmagicmarker: i wanna see |
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| ....blood in the water.... |
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| 05:17pm 10/09/2004 |
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mood:  annoyed
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I hate it when my plans don't push through, especially when I cancel other plans for it. I become cranky, and stay that way for the rest of the day.
So that sums up my day. One giant ball of fuming. Maybe the night will make up for it. |
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| ....show me lonely, and show me openings.... |
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| 09:44pm 09/09/2004 |
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mood: my head hurts
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Sanctuary
I speak
Without any prompting
No question to answer
No argument to win
No lie to defend against
No heart to win over
Without any fear
Of malice
Or ridicule
Or shame
Or judgement
Just your ear inclined to my mouth
And the safety that proclaims
(Do your worst Ian et co...) |
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| ...I want the peace and joy in your mind.... |
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| 11:18pm 08/09/2004 |
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mood:  calm
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DID you guys know that Congress is considering a bill that, if passed, prohibits foreign musical acts from visiting the Philippines? Apparently, it's some move to help our ailing music industry. Utter excrement. If they wanted improvements they should quit catering and pandering to mass appeal and support more quality artists. The sewage spewed out on the radio sometimes is quite mind-numbing.
Back on a Muse trip once again. I saw the music video for "Butterflies and Hurricanes", and I think it's best one to date. Not to mention that it's the best flipping song on the Absolution album.
...and speaking of Muse... |
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| ....a week later.... |
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| 10:40pm 06/09/2004 |
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mood:  pretty muddled, yeah
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I treked up north (gad, I hate going north) last Tuesday to meet up with KAKA (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7) soulharvest), whom I haven't seen in months, and Leslie (blackitolism), whom I see all the time. (Nakakasawa na nga alam mo ba? Waha joke lang.)
We had a time of it, secretly sniggering at Candy magazine's editorial team (Liek, ohmahgawd, my dad didn't make me payag to go there. Let's go make kain first, ahihihi *face powder*) and not being able to eat because of that, absolutely craving for cake and ending up with a hot plate of fried chicken, and the movie. Gad, the movie....
Anyway, that was all just an excuse for me to post this:
Le woo. |
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| ....hey ASS.... |
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| 12:34pm 03/09/2004 |
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mood:  blank
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I have no idea what you're talking about...
...so here's a picture of a bunny with a pancake on its head. |
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| 11:20pm 30/08/2004 |
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mood:  bouncy
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I'm going to produce a TV show. Anyone wanna help out? |
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| ...R.I.P Jeff Buckley... |
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| 11:39pm 29/08/2004 |
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mood:  mellow
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To borrow a line from one of my favorite conversations in the movie Waking Life, words are inert. Inherently meaningless. Dead. They are lifeless, but can be an incredibly influential force when our human souls lend them power to affect our lives. A curse uttered by a parent to a child, can fall noiselessly to the floor, or tunnel its way to the heart and become unconsciously self-fulfilling. Whatever we keep close to our heart, we become. +
Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath you drew was Hallelujah
This song makes me want to break my fingers in despair. It's the kind of song that dredges up remembered pain, and for the strangest reason along with the dull ache, it slips a cold trickle of comfort through your veins. I guess familiarity is always comforting. Amazing song. +
You're perfect on paper. + |
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| should've died in utero |
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| 12:03am 26/08/2004 |
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mood:  unhappy
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I wish to fall asleep
And Death steal me in slumber
Sleep, and never dream |
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| ...path....part un.... |
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| 10:36pm 24/08/2004 |
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mood: dumb
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The tortured noise of a crowded street
Burning under a mid-afternoon star
Trampled underfoot by those dead on their feet
Rushing towards nowhere in particular
Their maddened speech and song belies
A mind beside itself
And the lifeless veil of darkened eyes
Cheated of their reason to be
They borrow remembrance to upkeep fallen pride
Invent and imagine meaning to exist
While lamenting the day they died |
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busy
satisfied